Why Smart Women Struggle With Workplace Boundaries
I had coffee with a client last week. She told me something that stopped me in my tracks. She'd just attended a training I led recently on boundaries and values, and she said, "Dawn, I know my boundaries matter. I know what my values are. But when the moment comes at work, I still say yes when I mean no. I still override my own needs. I still can't seem to help myself."
And I know EXACTLY what she means.
You take on extra projects when you're already drowning. You check emails at 10 PM even though you promised yourself you'd stop. You skip lunch because there's just too much to do. You don't speak up when something doesn't align with your values. You cancel your workout because someone else needs you.
The real cost of constantly adapting to everyone else’s needs is burnout, resentment, and health issues that won't go away. Eventually, you might even start to feel like you don't even recognize yourself anymore.
Your Boundary Struggles Make Sense
What I've learned through years of coaching midlife women is that knowing you need boundaries and actually stepping into them are two very different things. And the gap between knowing and doing has everything to do with understanding your why.
Research shows that workplace boundary violations are directly linked to increased burnout, particularly when those violations accumulate over time. Healthcare workers studied during the pandemic experienced significantly higher rates of exhaustion when work-home boundaries eroded repeatedly, and that pattern holds true across industries and professions.
What the research doesn't capture is the fact that your boundary struggles aren't a character flaw, but clues to your history, your conditioning, your fears, and your deepest values.
What happens when we can look at our patterns with curiosity instead of judgment?
Let me share something personal. For years, I thought my inability to set boundaries meant I just didn't have a backbone. I was so hard on myself about it. But I finally got curious and asked myself why this was so hard for me specifically, and I discovered that my struggle with boundaries wasn't about weakness. A LOT of it was rooted in growing up as a woman in a generation that was taught our value came from being helpful and agreeable.
Studies confirm that from an early age, girls are often encouraged to be accommodating and self-sacrificing, and this social conditioning for girls to conform takes root as early as preschool. This deeply ingrained pattern creates pressure to obey instructions and avoid upsetting authority, which follows many women into their professional lives. I had a deep fear that saying no would make me seem incompetent or not a team player. I tied my self-worth to how much I could accomplish and how many people I could serve.
And somewhere along the way… I came to believe that my needs were somehow less important than everyone else's.
Once I understood my why, I could finally have compassion for myself! That compassion gave me the strength to make different choices.
Getting Curious About Your Pattern
So what if you approached your boundary struggles differently? What if instead of beating yourself up about them, you got curious about where they came from?
Think about the last time you didn't set a boundary at work when you knew you should have. What were you actually afraid would happen if you had set that boundary?
Were you afraid of being seen as difficult or not a team player?
Disappointing someone?
Losing status at work or perhaps even your job?
Being judged or criticized?
Not being enough in some way?
This is where it gets interesting. That fear you're feeling didn't just appear out of nowhere. It came from somewhere specific in your history. Maybe it was messages you received growing up about what "good girls" do. Maybe it was early career experiences where you were punished for speaking up. Maybe it was cultural or family expectations about always being available or putting others first. Maybe it was past experiences where setting boundaries led to real consequences that just didn't feel good. Maybe it was the way you saw your mother or other women navigate their lives.
There's no right or wrong answer here. We're just getting curious!
Where Boundaries Are Hardest
Now take it a step further and identify your top boundary struggle zones. These are the areas where you consistently have the hardest time honoring your needs.
Maybe it's at work, where you can't seem to say no to additional projects, leave on time, stop checking email after hours, or speak up when something doesn't align with your values.
Maybe it's around self-care, where you keep pushing your exercise, rest, hobbies, medical appointments, or mental health needs to the bottom of the list.
Maybe it's in relationships at work, where you're managing the emotional burdens of others, or you can't speak up when you feel taken advantage of or dismissed.
What you're discovering right now is that this isn't just about boundaries in general. It's about specific patterns rooted in real fears and real history. And at least we can say we're not alone. But more importantly, this means we can create specific strategies to address them.
Creating Your Personal Boundary Strategy
When you know your why and you know your struggle zones, you can create strategies that honor your reality instead of using generic advice that never seems to stick.
For each of your boundary struggle zones, try completing this sentence: "I will practice the boundary of [specific action] because [your core value or need]."
Research on burnout prevention shows that employees who engage in proactive behaviors to reduce demands and increase resources are more successful at preventing exhaustion over time. The key is tying those proactive behaviors to your personal values and specific contexts where you struggle.
Let me give you some examples.
For work boundaries, you might say, "When asked to take on additional projects, I will pause for 24 hours before responding because I value thoughtful decision-making and protecting my energy." Or "I will leave work by 5:30 PM on Tuesdays and Thursdays because I value being present for my family and honoring my commitment to myself." Or "When something doesn't align with my values, I will speak up using 'I' statements because I value integrity and showing up as my authentic self."
For self-care boundaries, you might say, "I will schedule my workout time in my calendar as a non-negotiable meeting because I value my health and deserve to prioritize it." Or "I will say no to at least one social commitment per month that doesn't fill my cup because I value rest and intentional living." Or "I will keep my therapy and doctor appointments even when work gets busy because I value my mental and physical well-being above productivity."
For relationship boundaries at work, you might say, "When colleagues need to vent, I will ask if they have capacity to listen right now before launching in, and I will give myself permission to say no because I value reciprocal relationships."
The key is that these boundaries are tied to your values and they acknowledge your real struggle zones.
The Part That Requires Courage
Now comes the part that requires courage, and I need to be honest with you about this because it's where most of us don't follow through!
When you set a boundary for the first time in a situation where you normally wouldn't, you're going to feel uncomfortable. You're going to feel guilty, selfish, anxious about how others will react, like you're doing something wrong.
But that discomfort is not a sign you're doing something wrong. It’s a natural reaction to doing something new.
Neuroscience research shows that the amygdala, the part of our brain that detects threats, can respond to a potentially threatening situation in as little as 74 milliseconds, faster than our conscious awareness. When we practice a new behavior like boundary-setting that contradicts old conditioning, our brain initially perceives it as a threat because it's unfamiliar. Your nervous system is used to people-pleasing, overworking, and putting yourself last. When you do something different, it's going to feel scary. That's normal. That's expected. That's actually a sign you're growing.
So over the next week, I want you to practice one of your boundaries. Just one. Pick the one that feels most doable, or honestly, pick the one that feels most urgent.
When you practice it, notice the discomfort without letting it stop you. Feel it, breathe through it, and do it anyway. Remind yourself why this boundary matters to you. Come back to your values. Come back to your wellbeing. Come back to the woman you're becoming.
Be compassionate with yourself if it doesn't go perfectly. Boundary-setting is a skill, and like any skill, it takes practice. If you stumble, that's okay. Learn from it and try again.
And celebrate the courage it took. Every single time you honor a boundary, even imperfectly, you're rewiring old patterns and creating new ones.
The Truth You Need to Remember
You don't need anyone's permission to prioritize your values or your wellbeing. And no one is going to protect these for you other than you. Not your boss. Not your spouse. Not your kids. Not your colleagues. Not your friends.
You are the guardian of your own life.
Your struggle with boundaries is a sign you've been conditioned to put everyone else first. But you have the power to recondition yourself, one brave boundary at a time!
And remember… it's NEVER too late!
I’m Dawn LaRae, The Midlife Career Whisperer™! I help midlife women design their dream career so they can experience passion and purpose in their work.
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